The Seeds of Discontent

So it has definitely been a while since this has been updated and if there's anyone out there still reading it, I would like to give an explanation, inadequate as it might be.

There is a particular kind of funk (for lack of a better word) that I have been experiencing of late. The best way I can try to describe it would be that feeling when you step out of your car at your desired location and cannot remember even the slightest bit of your journey from Point A to Point B. It is completely disconcerting and vaguely disturbing because you know you were in control of what can at times be a deadly weapon. Thus has been my life these last few months.

A kaleidoscope of people and places have all passed my by in a dizzying whir. And throughout this miasma, my ability and desire to turn a phrase were lost. A sad prospect for anyone wishing to express themselves in written form.

I have high hopes that my abilities may be returning and my world once more set aright, so I encourage everyone still out there to check back occasionally.

The Truth

Is honesty always the best policy? I am beginning to wonder. Should we always tell those closest to us what we really think? That line that defines the boundaries between honesty and cordiality is a very subjective barrier and even coming close to it can often lead to a minefield of broken trust, hurt feelings and the ever constant threat of dissolution.

There are of course those things about which we are never honest. The small favors we grant each other, "No, it doesn't make your butt look big", "Of course he like you!", are deemed acceptable because they reinforce the bonds of camaraderie and bolster self-esteem, but what happens when we give up a part of ourselves to be there for the other person?

In a relationship, we call it compromise, which as a concept sounds good. A sharing of mutual ideals, if you will. But when that sharing, that compromise, becomes one sided we begin lying not only to the other person but to ourselves. Convincing ourselves that we really want what our friend or our spouse wants because fighting against that force has become too much and clawing our way back seems impossible.

I cannot help but wonder if coming clean, laying it out, and telling the other person is more damaging and ultimately more painful than breaking free would be. And once free, is it possible to avoid that particular pitfall in the future?

A Hearse Drove By

Tonight, as I sat in my car waiting for the ominous red of the light to change to the more welcoming green, a black hearse drove sedately down the street and passed me with nary a pause in its grisly mission. The song on the radio blared the timely, if somewhat ironic, lyric "I've heard it all before/so go do what you like" and I couldn't help but find this turn of events a bit foreboding.

Perhaps it was the heavy blanket of fog enclosing the night, or maybe it was the sheer desolateness of the otherwise empty streets, but the image of that hearse struck a resonant cord. No matter how we live life, we all end up taking that dark journey alone; a solitary stone as the river of life rushes past our exanimate remains.

But does doing whatever we like really change anything? Yes, we've heard it all before. We know what's coming but does that truly make us live life any differently? Most of us get up every morning and brush our teeth regardless of the fact that in a matter of years or days or weeks, it won't matter if we even have teeth. Death may be a fact of life but that doesn't stop life from being lived, even on such a mundane level as tooth brushing.