Foul softheaded mooncalfs! Deadbeat insensate blackguards! Yes, that's right! Tonight my store was plagued by the malicious toad-eating parasites otherwise known as shoplifters. I would gladly vituperate and eviserate all such black-hearted miscreants.
I was astounded, truly appalled, at the audacity of one such malefactor well known for her misdeeds. She accosted me demanding to know if I was watching her, and then proceeded to rail at me about how "there are shoplifters and I am not one of them." All this because I felt the need to hang up clothes within her eyesight (and thus making it impossible for her to shoplift). How I longed to call her on her blatantly obvious nefarious activities, but I held my tongue (a feat which those of you who know me may very well call miraculous).
It is because of such flagitious villains that I believe the ancient punishment for stealing be reinstated, namely having one's hand cut off for "sticky fingers". It is a punishment that truly discourages the offense; and in today's high tech society, cases of mistaken conviction would be virtually impossible, thus making this the ideal penalty. Once again stores would be safe havens for legitimate shoppers. Hurray for honesty!
2 comments:
Mel, you are a crack up! Glad I found you in cyberspace. I'l be reading this a lot, you're too cute!
I disagree strongly with any penalties as harsh as those described; of course, I am not influenced by biblical draconianisms inflicted by a God who knows less about justice than mercy.
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